I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
