I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
