that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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