The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
