Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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