also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Randomize
