he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
