I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
