Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
