Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
being pregnant is like rehab
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
