dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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