I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
