I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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