All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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