alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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