My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
