dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
