my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
