I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
