You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
