There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
