I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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