Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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