I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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