I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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