Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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