don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
