I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
