ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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