Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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