If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
