i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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