My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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