I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
