just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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