you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i already hear my dad disowning me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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