Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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