Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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