So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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