Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
