1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
