Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
