i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
