I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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