It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
