omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
