He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
