You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
