i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
