our cab driver is having phone sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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